Why tech recruiters can’t tell Java from JavaScript?
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Tech recruiters are predators. Sometimes referred to as head-hunters, who’re born to kill. They will find and you, and they will hunt you. No matter what. No matter Java or JavaScript.
Once upon a time, I’ve left my job as a full-stack engineer to travel for a little bit, and to spend a little more time with my family. Just in time, I’ve received an exciting email from a senior tech recruiter at Amazon. It surely gave me butterflies in my stomach! Is this really it, a dream come true?
To give this some context, take a brief look at my LinkedIn profile:
I live in Canada. I’m a JavaScript developer. And I’m sure you’d be excited about this email as much as I did:
Basic Qualifications: Master’s Degree in CS. And CS Fundamentals.
That was a nice read! The part that stands out immediately is the well-thought-out basic qualifications. I’m sure that the recruiters at Amazon get spammed by applicants who possess a Master’s degree in computer science, while at the same time lack irrelevant knowledge like CS fundamentals.
No wonder such things have to be mentioned upfront, CS degrees nowadays probably include too much of math and history. While irrelevant things like “data structures” are typically left out of the curriculum. And yes, there’s this big issue of Standford and MIT selling Master’s degrees right and left on the dark web. The tech recruiters better be careful.
By the way, I’ve just stumbled upon a Senior Mathematician job description at Booble, it mentions a Ph.D. in Mathematics, as well as extensive knowledge of things like addition and multiplication.
The One True Master of Object-Orientation
I’m a strong believer that Object-Orientation is the only way to fulfill the complex and rigorous abstraction requirements as typically is demanded by any seriously large enterprise… Unlike the silly toy called “Functional Programming”.
It’s really flattering that the senior Amazon recruiters do extensive online research prior to contacting their candidates, and apparently recognize me as the world’s leading expert on Object-Oriented Programming.
Not much else can be said here, I’m truly flattered…
Java === JavaScript? Hell Yes!
The Amazon job requirement mentions Java, yet Java isn’t mentioned anywhere on my LinkedIn profile. Oh wait, my profile actually mentions JavaScript, that must be it…
Yes, we all know that Java and JavaScript are really similar. Both have a coffee in their name, which is pretty cool if you ask me. Mmm, coffee… Both are also used to write codes on the computer, after all. Look no further than a senior tech recruiter. In fact, they’re as similar as ham and hamster. Butt and butter, laughter and manslaughter, car and carpet, man and manhole… I think you get the point. And if you squint really REALLY hard, then even the computer codes look the same!
Canada Actually is the same as the USA
The Amazon job description mentions two locations — Seatle WA, and Tempe AZ. I live in Canada…
The sheer volume of geographical knowledge that the some senior tech recruiters possess is astonishing. Apparently, contacting people living in Canada with US job openings is a really good idea. And if you squint hard enough, Canada actually is the same as the US.
Your Name? Oh, That’s Irrelevant.
Let’s get real. Probably nobody apart from your friends and family care about your name. Your name is just a formality that gets in the way of a recruiter trying to do their job. Your name is just a number on a tag, used to differentiate you from other similar cattle. Does it matter what the tag actually says? Of course no, cattle are still cattle.
The senior amazon tech recruiter got my name right, kudos to him! But that doesn’t always happen. Last year I’ve received the following message on LinkedIn:
Hey Michael, my name is not Timothy… I know that this is not too important, I might as well be Timothy. However, addressing your candidates with the right name might (slightly) increase your chances of success.
Epilogue
I’ve reached out to the senior Amazon tech recruiter, having my hopes high up, of finally getting a proper Object-Oriented Java job! But sadly, I haven’t heard back from him. Has he given up on me? I can type Java code if I try hard enough. After all, Java is almost the same as JavaScript…
Yes, this post is a satire. To all the tech recruiters out there — please become more professional… Please learn to differentiate between Java and JavaScript. This probably doesn’t matter a whole lot to you, but please stop wasting peoples’ time. Avoid embarrassing yourself like Amazon often does. Proofread your job descriptions, some basic grammatical errors are easy to avoid. Canada is not really in the USA.
Yes, JavaScript is not the same as Java… At least once a month, I get contacted with an exciting Java opportunity… Hey Amazon, I’d imagine you’d have the resources to develop some sophisticated training programs that would teach your recruiters the difference between Java and JavaScript.
Object-Oriented Programming? I’ve been a diligent OOP developer for most of my career and eventually came to believe that it results in buggy and unmaintainable code. Its popularity is an unfortunate accident. I’ve “converted” to be a functional programmer a few years back and never looked back.
And apparently my Java skills are in high demand at Amazon, I was recently contacted by another Senior Amazon recruiter… Duh… Maybe, just maybe I should start a new certification company targeted towards recruiters looking to add a new certification to their profile. Something along the lines of “certified java[script] recruiter”. And over the past year I’ve been contacted even more times, praising my Java experience, all by Amazon.
